Gail Heyman, a developmental psychologist at the University of California San Diego, has offered guidance on how to engage in civil conversations, especially when discussing difficult or divisive topics. Heyman’s research focuses on how people form beliefs, judge credibility, and understand honesty.
Heyman challenges the idea that civility means staying silent to avoid conflict. “We learn through disagreement,” she says. “We learn by being challenged.” She emphasizes that growth often comes from engaging with differing viewpoints, even if it is uncomfortable.
She suggests approaching disagreements with curiosity and listening closely to others. “The times that people have changed my mind or helped me grow were when they disagreed with me,” Heyman notes. According to her, showing genuine interest in another person’s perspective can encourage mutual understanding: “If people sense that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, they’re more likely to listen to yours.”
Heyman also highlights the importance of assuming good intentions during disagreements. She explains, “If you come in assuming the other person is just trying to score points, you’ll respond in kind. But if you assume they’re acting in good faith — even if clumsily — you can respond differently, and the whole tone changes.”
To manage tension during conversations, Heyman recommends using humor or focusing on shared values as ways to shift discussions toward common ground. Reflecting on her own experiences talking politics with her brother—who holds different views—she says: “We used to get stuck in the same unproductive loops. These days we don’t talk much, but I still believe we care about many of the same things — like fairness, family and a better future — even if we disagree on how to get there.”
Sometimes stepping back is necessary for maintaining relationships. “Not every disagreement is worth pursuing,” Heyman acknowledges. “There are times when ending a conversation respectfully preserves the relationship and leaves the door open for the future.” She advises considering which issues are most important before raising sensitive topics and consulting trusted individuals beforehand.
For Heyman, civil conversation is not about winning arguments but about building stronger connections.
